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What’s in My Suitcase?

April Devotional Series – Search Me, God, Know My Heart – Week Four

I have this roll around bag I carry with me every day to work. In it, I carry my journal, extra pens, a small laptop, and anything else I think I might need for the day. I decided to get a bag that had rollers because the one I carried over my shoulder grew too heavy for me. I wish I could do the same for the other baggage I have carried with me over the years.

The other suitcase I carry with me has no handle. It resides within the chambers of my heart and the confines of my soul. It has years of control, co-dependency, self-blame, regret, sadness, grief, and pain within it. As I face Step Four of my recovery journey, I know there is more in that piece of luggage. I know there are things I haven’t admitted to yet. I know there are probably even things I am not aware of. But I know this is an important step in the recovery from my past.

These issues I have carried with me are common for people like me. I haven’t always known this to be true. Working diligently on making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself showed me this. Reading Psalm 139:23-24 guides me toward God’s loving arms to reveal the truth about me.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.”

I ask God to search and know my heart. I ask him to know the anxiety I feel through this step. I ask Him to point out to me exactly where I have hurt others because I hurt myself. I ask Him to lead me out of the pit of darkness and out into the everlasting light. His light. I ask and He does. I can see now not only my feelings and pain, but also the chaos I have forced upon others because of my inner chaos. I can see now how my controlling behavior caused broken relationships. I can see now how my co-dependency created a life of confusion for me and for those around me.

Oh at the times I have unpacked and repacked the old worn luggage of my soul. I’ve taken each item out, piece by broken piece and laid them all around me to sort through. Some I have looked over and folded to be pack away again. Some I have tossed behind me, never to see them again. Then others I have gently laid at the feet of Jesus and asked Him to take them on my behalf. Those items are the ones I can say I am free from today. The items I have let go and given to Jesus are the ones that have no hold on me any longer.