Almost two years ago, I found out my husband was addicted to pornography. I was completely blindsided, and to say I was hurt is an understatement! And while thankfully he did not physically betray me, I felt the effects just the same.
The Hurt, Anger, Fear and Comparison
The hurt is real. I spent days and weeks in a defeated and lonely state. I was so broken I didn’t even know if I could carry on with life.
Lashing out had become my norm, and I couldn’t make it stop. The pouring out from my heart was a direct reflection of how I was feeling. At times anger overwhelmed me, and I wanted to hurt him as much as he had hurt me.
To top it all off, there’s continual fear and comparison. I found myself afraid for my husband to be home alone or to work with women or to do anything without me. At the same time, I found myself trying to measure up or wondering why I hadn’t. Only to realize, there was no way I ever could measure up to the woman on the screen.
Truthfully, trusting my husband is still something I struggle with. I have to seek the Lord often because the enemy uses the fact that he lied once to remind me that he could lie again.
How to do we deal with this betrayal?
Realize that it is okay to be angry. You have a right to be! However, you have to talk about it. Shout it out if you have to. He needs to hear how you feel.
A word of caution here: there comes a point when the constant anger will give way to grief and silence. That’s also normal.
Give yourself time to grieve. You lost something very dear to you. The catch on this one, just like being angry, is you just can’t stay there for too long. When we dwell on the what was and the what if’s, we only make ourselves more bitter and angry.
Seek out a trustworthy friend. One of the most important ways to deal with betrayal is to seek out friends who will surround you in prayer and give you Godly counsel. You need to tell someone you can trust, someone who will check in with you and pray earnestly for you. Don’t try to sort through this alone!
Go to the Word. Likewise, seek God in his word. Meet God where you know He is. I started in Psalm 1 and read a Psalm a day most days. Some days I couldn’t see the page for tears. Nevertheless, God will meet with you in His word, and he will give you something to cling to.
This verse is the verse that got me through many, many difficult days, and to this day, it is one of my favorites!
Understand that you won’t ever forget, but you can forgive. The old saying, “forgive and forget” is a lie! There’s no truth in those words, friend. You will never forget. Even God doesn’t forgive and forget. Oh, he chooses to remember our sins no more, but He doesn’t forget our betrayal to him. (Hebrews 8:12, Isaiah 43:25) We must choose to love despite the betrayal, set it aside, and [eventually] choose to remember it no more.
Mending the Brokenness
You will ask the question: Will it ever be normal again? Sadly, it won’t be the same “normal” ever again. However, in time it can be a good new normal. My husband and I have a better relationship than we ever had before. I know it’s hard to even fathom that when you are in the thick of sorting through betrayal, but it’s true. God can and will heal and put back broken pieces!
Every time life isn’t perfect, your mind will go to that place. It’s in those times, however, that you must talk to yourself, reminding yourself of truths. Do not listen to yourself and your feelings. The enemy is good at working on our feelings and whispering lies into our heads. Rebuke the lies, and speak the truth.
Could it happen again?
The thought in the back of every betrayed wife’s mind is “could it or will it happen again?” The answer we don’t want to hear is yes, it could. Having said that, I believe what the Lord is teaching me is I cannot control my husband--only God can. My worrying isn't helping at all; it’s only making me crazy and making it harder to trust my husband. When I feel those things, I have to pray that God would rest my spirit and convict my husband (if he needs to be convicted).
Sorting through the feelings associated with betrayal isn’t easy. You are going to have fears and insecurities, anger and hurt. What I do know, dear wife, is that God is the mender of brokenness. He can take your shattered heart and put it back together better than you could ever imagine!
BrinaLynn is a wife and a mama to seven kiddos. She loves Jesus and coffee, quiet mornings and sunsets, the smell of books, and naps! Her blog, Brinalynn.com, exists to encourage wives and mothers as they navigate their way through life’s trenches. You can also find her on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.
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