What happens when life no longer makes sense?
When faith no longer makes sense?
My faith has always been so real to me. I accepted Jesus as my Savior at a young age, and my relationship with God always seemed to come fairly easy.
But, I had never found myself here before. Here at this place where my altered plans wreak such havoc upon my heart. Here where anger, and frustration, and immense heartache come rushing together in such a current that I am almost overtaken by the wave of emotion.
Here on my knees, I find myself questioning everything I have ever believed to be true about this God I serve.
"Remember your promise to me; it is my only hope. Your promise revives me; it comforts me in all my troubles."
Psalm 119:49-50 (NLT)
Because if God loves me, why is He allowing me to endure this?
And, if He is truly all-powerful, why hasn't He just fixed it?
And, if my God is good, why does this feel so bad?
All the questioning began when my beautiful healthy baby had her first seizure at 3 months old. I'll never forget the night I received that phone call. I was out running a quick errand when the phone rang and I answered assuming my husband just needed me to grab one more thing. However, the concerned voice on the other end told a different story. A story that quickly turned to panic, an ambulance ride, hospital stay, every test they could run, and a whole lot of unanswered questions.
But, we believed in a God bigger than all of this, so we proclaimed that He was good and believed we would never deal with this issue again. Our child was healthy.
Unfortunately, our proclamation of good health was really wrong. The seizures continued. They got worse, longer. Scarier. And, little did we know, we had embarked on a long and excruciating journey.
As the seizures continued, so did the questioning. How could my good Father watch His child endure such heart-ache? My baby was perfect and innocent, yet the storm that raged within her body told a different story. Why her?